I wish tomorrow was promised

This weekend was a strange walk down memory lane. For starters I attended a baby shower. I find it crazy that my friends and I are old enough to have kids. The whole event seemed very adult like it.  During the shower felt as though our crazy parties days were a memory from long ago (where they that long ago?). I struggle with looking at my friends as adults. It was so good to see everyone. To laugh at all the great memories, and ponder what the future will be. I know my friend will be a wonderful mother, and my former roommate will be a great “aunt” to her daughter. My wish is this little baby is half the woman those two great ladies are.

I drove home wondering how I became old… I often find myself saying things that I thought I’d say when I was older. I’m not sure what age seems “perfect” to say or think these specific thoughts, but 24 doesn’t seem old enough.  I laughed thinking to myself that this is the beginning. This is the beginning of weddings that these babies are only numbers 1 & 2, just wait for 3 & 4. We’ll have to sit down and enjoy the ride (waiter, please one more vodka & soda for me!).

Following the shower Katie & William came to visit. It’s crazy to think that I use to hold them and their feet would meet in the middle of chest. The things they said to me just made me melt inside. Their hugs and kisses are so special to me, and yet again… I started to wonder how I became old.

What all of this reminds me is that tomorrow isn’t promised. That we’re not getting younger, we’re only getting older (but it isn’t a bad thing!) If I regret anything this week, it was that on Thursday I passed up the chance to write the typical funny facebook comment. I thought about it, premeditated the comment and then got distracted. I never came back to thought and the day went on. I’ll never get the chance to write a comment to that person again. I’ll never happen to run into them at any of life’s precious moments like Christmas parties, baby showers, birthdays or weddings. Instead I’ll pay my respects in person on Thursday.

I’m sad that you left us Jessie. I’ll never forget the great times held at Tanner’s Creek & the many other times outside of work. Your smile and laugh were contagious. You always knew how to make the whole room laugh. I hope that you can continue to do so in Heaven.

I wish tomorrow was promised, and that goodbyes never had to occur.

Tomorrow this will be cherished, until then tonight it's unscripted.

UNSCRIPTED……….. It was pretty loud and clear (I’m sure most superwomen (like yourself) understand this… oh so well!). Actually might as well have said, “Hey, ready or not I’m here.” ….

I plan, and I plan to plan. I can’t help it. When I try to “relax” I prepare to relax, and then over think about relaxing to the point where it’s stressful. When I commit to something, I want to give it my all. I want to appear "put together" (even if that means I feel like frazzled, confused, and dazed). I want people to realize I did it to the best of my ability.

I’m stressed. I said it. I admitted it. Now I’d like to avoid it. The agenda in my mind says—pedicure (cup of Joe?) manicure (martini afterwards) full body massage (long nap afterwards) clean out the car (buy a new pair of jeans afterwards) clean up my bedroom (frame new pictures). The agenda on paper says- work 9 days in a row to include 2 double shifts, plan area happy hour (prepare marketing material), prepare for out of town guest (ha-ha… guest… that word makes me laugh), prepare for out of town guest to meet my crazy family (to include aunts/uncles/and grandparents!) and friends (oh by the dozen each time!). But my mind keeps picturing running in my new shoes (In fact, I’m so stressed… I had them “rushed’ to my door… to distract me).

I’m not ridiculous… and I’m acting civilized… (right…. Sure I appear “put together” )At the end of the week, I promise to reward myself. It’s okay to be semi stressed about the bigger picture, however—it is important that each event have its moment. I need to remember that flaws are okay. This week, I’ll leave the late nights for someone else. This week is for smiling and enjoying each moment in life. Each of this week’s events should be fun. None of them shouldn’t be stressful. These events are the ones I’ll remember in years to come, because I’ll have filled my memory card of them.

I'm not just anything....

I’m not just your everyday girl…

         So please don’t waste your caddy judgments on me. 

Brides wear white.

Prom dresses are fancy.

True love is special.

Life is uncertain.

Parents are right.

Funerals are sad.

Rules aren’t to be broken.

School is important.

Respect is mandatory.

What is none of this is true? What if it’s just a way for our families to help keep us grounded? I think all the thoughts listed above are logical, that they’ve been said to keep us safe, and ensure that we’re happy. However—I’m over trying to follow these “standards”. All these little “isms” do is make me ridiculously hard on myself. They make me doubt my abilities, and fear the future.

In the midst of my own pity party, I realize again—this would be the best time for a rulebook. (If the book isn’t finished, or happens to be to long read on toilet, I’d gladly accept flowers instead. Preferably the bright pink ones, with vibrant fresh green stems.) I need to remember that other’s judgment cannot knock me down.

It is important that I chase my dreams. I must remember that road to our dreams can’t be found on the GPS. There is no estimated time of arrival. Everyday the road twist and turns. Some days we all move forward on the path to capturing our dreams, and other days were stagnant. At the end of the day we must remember to take the good with the bad, it’s part of this game of Life.

I may look like your girl next store, but don’t assume that I am your neighbors little girl.

Beep!!!! Beep!!!!! …….. Beep!!!!! Beep!!!! …….. Beep!!!!! Beep!!!!

                  Oh that’s just my alarm to say I’m ovulating….

I’m not sure when it happened, or even how it happened. But I woke up and became an adult. All my friends started making decisions that would forever change their life. My girlfriends started getting butterflies and rings, and my guy friends hung up the all night drinking caps and buckled down.

Because of all these changes there isn’t a weekend that doesn’t have some sort of shower/ celebration. The calendar is filled with these weekend events. I often think I should set aside $400 to cover me for the year of these events. However, I know next year there will be more events, and $400 won’t help me out.

I’m a runner…. More mentally, than physically. However, I’m adopting the new hat of being a physical runner. I’m trying my hardest to stick to the plan for the Marathon. I know I’m running for a good cause. I know that I’m running so another child can go to camp. I’m starting to realize I’m running to put everything into perspective. I’m an avoider. I’m gun-ho about addressing issues I’m passionate about. I especially like the ones where I know I’ll receive the answer I’d like to hear. I don’t do well with those that throw a curve ball into the situation, pit my stomach, or make me think twice about the situation. Hell~ I don’t do well at all with ones that make let down my guard and show my feelings.

I adopted the independent perspective a long time ago. My independent perspective didn’t need anyone to help me, or stand beside me. After my first big heart break, I ruled out ever (or so I thought) wanting to walk down that path again. But as I’m getting older (maybe one day wiser?!) I’m realizing plans don’t really work. They’re just ideas… You can’t always hold yourself to those. As I learn by trial and error that I cannot always hold myself to a plan, I’m learning that sometimes there is no time for a plan. That someone to lean on may just be the next best thing.

I need to face fear in the face. There are going to be more situations that will make me anxious, and uneasy. I need to make it a conscious decision to accept it, educate myself, and tackle it instead of running from it. It is okay to be accepting of change…

To my friends who have set your alarms for more “big girl” reasons~ I’m willing to stand right beside you. We’ll tackle our mixed emotions together.

Beep!!!! Beep!!!!! …….. Beep!!!!! Beep!!!! …….. Beep!!!!! Beep!!!!

Assemble It Yourself~

We play by the rules, or so we think… We aim to hit all the “ monumental” moments at right the times, and obey the rules/ laws when we’re working towards those moments. But do you ever wish there was a legit “Life for Dummies” book??

If I could sit down and write a few chapters, I’d start with all the moments that made me dodge my mother, and my palms sweat. The ones that make you so uncomfortable, you’re not even sure how to figure out if the sequence of events are actually “ normal”.

Chapter 1: Braces

For the next 18-36 months you will look like a fool (I’m sorry, it’s true)! These will only be “ cute” for one week, approximately around week # 2 once your mouth is out of the initial (note: initial means the first time) agony. Please brush often, and avoid obnoxious colors—it’s far from “ adorable” to make your mouth look like an American Flag, or a sideline cheerleader for your favorite sports team.

Chapter 2: Aunt Flow

She sucks—I’m not sure why you were ever patiently waiting till it was your turn. For the next 30 years, you’ll bitch every time you think of her coming to town.  Do yourself a favor (I’m begging you!)-- skip the pad phase. It will take you years to master the strategic lay out of those bulky items. And because you will feel like you’re wearing a diaper, you will walk in the most awkward manner. Your walk will scream to everyone that you’re on your PERIOD, and your secret will no longer be safe.

I’ll need help writing the in-between chapters because I can’t remember the devastating issues of life, besides sitting for days tapping my feet on the title floor hoping I got asked to Prom. When I’d write again, I’d begin writing about college, and all the crazy events that take place at the most unexpected times.

I’ll divide my chapters with brief personal stories from friends, because it is those “awful” stories that make the events so much better.  Truth of the matter is that years later, these events are just as vivid as yesterday. Just now, they don’t evoke sweating palms. I suppose I’ll continue to take all of these moments, because later they’re better shared over a bottle of wine with your closest friends~

“Eventually all the pieces fall into place.... until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason.” Carrie Bradshaw

Let me know before you leave~

“Please let me know before you leave. I’m losing friends and I need to prepare if you’re going to leave me.” Is not the way you want to start your morning phone call off with your best friend, but she had a good point. We’re at the age where everyone seems to be “leaving” us. They’re not really going anywhere, and they haven’t even packed up their bags—but they have made the leap into the serious relationship world. Tuesday night dinners now take a little more effort, and a night out ends a little earlier for some late night phone conversations. We now are consumed with the tiny details of our fairytales, which once seemed a million years away.

There are some that are in a rush to get to the next phase of life, and others who can’t turn back time fast enough. I’m often torn on where I stand. Sometimes, I want to be on the bridge to the next phase, and other times I want to run backwards until I regain 6-12 months of my life back. There are certain friends that seem to want to pull you to the other side, and others who want to sit down and drink coffee in the current phase.

I hadn’t thought much about this recently until the early morning phone call. Then the reality check set in when I was waiting in line for the rental car. I politely told the man I was going to grab the car seat out of my car, and I’d be right back (the line was rather long). When I came back in he then asked me if I needed a mini-van or an SUV for the car seat. The words couldn’t come out of my mouth fast enough. “ ONLY ONE CAR SEAT, A CAR IS FINE!! IT’ WILL BE GREAT!!!.” Then it dawned on me. I’m not ready to grow up!

Here’s to the extended warranty on my hybrid car, and the nice man who stopped dead in his tracks and didn’t give me the rental mini van. Here’s to the girlfriends who dare you to dream, and those that ground you when you need it. Here’s to a little bit longer before I drive around town adding to my sticker family on my back window!

 But one day~ This will be mine, on the back of my station wagon... I don't think I'll be the " M.V." type of women. 

Time to Climb

I’m ready for the next challenge.

I’m ready to climb the next flight of stairs.

I’m ready to have the waves chase me, and the deck protect me.

I’m ready for what’s next.

By the beach is the best place to set the plan for our goals.

I’m thankful for sand and salt and hours of pondering!